Dipesh Majumdar

Blog and Paintings

My unpredictable mind

I got up at around 10 AM. You know - sunday lazy morning... Saturday was so bad - I don't like to do office work in a Saturday - and I had to do - unfortunately - logging in from home and taking a remote desktop connection... looking into the tiny putty sessions and observing logs - counting number of requests coming to our application as the jmeter bombarded the application with simulated parallel-threaded-requests.... crazy stuff - no results seem conclusive - life itself is so complicated - the applications and the various components - load balancers, servers etc seem so much more complicated. it was difficult to arrive at a solution... we were going really frustrated now...

Anyways today was sunday and as I said - I woke up at 10. No office work and so felt very relaxed.  Called my father and told him that I was planning to drive from Bangalore to Bhubaneswar. He expressed his disapproval - he said, " why not sell it? as it is there is no guarantee of you returning to india now - so what use is the car - it's better to sell it?"

I was little surprised - just on Saturday - he had said - "why sell the car - you will hardly get any money. It will be very less. Its such a nice car - big car - Indica Vista Diesel - and we have made so many tours - so many memories attached with the car."

I was wondering - why the sudden change of statement. I asked him - "My dear Baba - your statement is quite opposite of what you said yesterday? What happened suddenly?" He remained quiet and didn't answer.

I understand he is not happy that I am not in India - I am not there by his side. I know that. However how can one be so different in one's thinking in such a short period of time. May be one day I will be like this when I will grow old.

Or may be I am like that even now... Acutally it's true - it's very easy to vacillate and have different opinions of the same thing at 2 different times - separated by a small time interval... this is because our mind is strange - it keeps thinking - it keeps changing. Human mind is very volatile, dynamic and frickle. That's the reason ancient sages have quoted time and again - the importance of controlling mind.

What's difficult is deciding something and then sticking to that decision. That happens not to everyone but to  very selected matured people.

This might work. This might backfire as well. Depends on one's single-pointed-determination and resolve.

For example - one of my friends is not married and he keeps painting. He has no interest in his office work as well. He loves to explore, read books - philosophy, astronomy and off late history... after reading these he goes out to foreign countries to explore all that he reads... I sometimes think how can he be so certain that what he is doing is the correct thing in his life. Had I been in his place, definitely at some point I would feel hopeless and frustrated and would change my track. but I see him going on with his pursuit with a lot of passion and resolve. In order to pursue his passion of exploration and painting - he has sacrificed a lot of things in life - including marriage.. he is still single! I sometimes wonder - how does he lead his life being a single - doesn't he feel bored. But then - that's he - not me - and it's seems to be just working perfectly fine for him. Now that is what I call single pointed determination and that's what I mean by having maturity.

may be in future my painter friend will wonder - he had taken the wrong path - and he should have got married and pursued a less aggressive bohemian life style. May be, but MAY be not? who knows - but one thing no one can take away from my painter friend - no one can take away all the paintings that he has already completed. That itself is more than an average man can think of possibly delivering something meaningful in a life time.

As far as fluctuating mind is concerned, I myself am an absolutely useless case. A couple of weeks ago I had made up my mind - that  I won't sell my car and would go on a long drive from Bangalore to Bhubaneswar. Then I started thinking about all the things that can go wrong as a result of this daredevil decision ... how my son would cope with this tiring long day inside car, the distance being so long, only one driver - myself... no one to share the steering wheel with - who will take so much risk....and above all wasting so much precious time on road instead of spending with parents..... even my wife was not willing to travel by car. so finally I changed my decision and then booked the flight tickets.  I also thought that if I sell my car - I would get atleast 3 lac. rs. which is a large amount.

Suddenly something happened - exactly I don't know what - may the movie PIKU by Amitabh Bachchan, wherein they set out for a long journey from Delhi to Kolkata.. triggered me to think about the car journey once again.  So I am tempted to cancel the flight tickets and continue my earlier plan . I am tempted to cancel my idea of selling the car as well.

Why should I look into my baba's changing statements in a span of 2 days - while my own mind is such precariously unpredictable. I can site one more example that took place just after my conversation with father today morning...

I was playing pool (online android smartphone app game)- I was on the verge of winning a second consecutive game against another player online. But before hitting the winning shot I teased my opponet - hey man... lets play one more, completely certain - I would win.... but alas! the easiest of the easy shots I missed. Felt terrible - so much that I logged out of the game, threw my smartphone on the sofa and got up from the chair. Immediately - I remembered an incident from a cricket match I was watching a couple of years back may be -  An indian player got this easy looped up catch and he took a lazy stance to catch it with an air of over-confidence and you know what happened??? Yes you guessed it right, he dropped the CATCH! It looked as if he was planning in his mind how to celebrate - even before he had taken the catch. A simple message comes to mind:  Never ever take things for granted. The mind constantly tricks you to take away concentration from the target being aimed at. And the mind makes you fall.

Somebody from Ramakrishna Mission, a few months back was explaining in an youtube video - you can watch your mind so you are different from your mind. Just the same way like you can watch your hand or your legs so you are different from these body parts. So what are you? you are not the body, not the mind - so what are you. He then went on to explain that you are actually a part of that same consciousness that is omniscient. Just like you cannot see light in general, but when you keep an object you can see the light illuminated on the object... in same manner the consciousness is manifested in the body and one can witness life.

I don't take anyone's statement blindly and so I always weigh these sentences on the weighing scale of my own reasoning. And I have to say that I am not sure whether it is true or false - or how much to believe... I don't know if you are part of the divine, ethereal and omnipresent consciousness or the so called soul or you are just a property which automatically manifests when the inorganic compounds are mixed in just the perfect way that the finished product functions like a living being. if that is the case then why robots donot display such properties, I have no idea.

But I can however say this with a lot of certainty - whether the individual is a soul or not - but it is different form body and mind - and so it should be able to have control over the body and mind.

I believe, with experience one should be able to control the mind. And if small steps are taken each day, then considerable progress can be achieved.


Go Back